Standing Up

My feet pound the pavement and I can’t stop running
Don’t even want to try stopping right now
I’ve got too much shit to do and too much shit to feel
To pause my life and think about you

I’m standing up, facing my problems head-on
I’m standing up, learning to walk alone again
I’m standing up, hoping to try one more time
I’m standing up, starting the path to my dreams

There’s too little time to get a handle on my life
Got a future to finally settle into
Need to put my past on the backburner for now
Close my eyes and take that leap

I’m standing up, facing my problems head-on
I’m standing up, learning to walk alone again
I’m standing up, hoping to try one more time
I’m standing up, starting the path to my dreams

Sometimes I remember you
Remember that look on your face
When I left for the last time
It haunts me every night
That I wrecked us forever
But I can’t go back to yesterday
No, I can’t regret that I finally left
That I stopped letting you hold me back

I’m standing up, facing my problems head-on
I’m standing up, learning to walk alone again
I’m standing up, hoping to try one more time
I’m standing up, starting the path to my dreams

I know I’m going to falter but I swear I’ll get back up
As many times, as many ways, as I need to
Maybe I might trip but I’ll learn to catch myself
Now I know just what I need

I’m standing up, facing my problems head-on
I’m standing up, learning to walk alone again
I’m standing up, hoping to try one more time
I’m standing up, starting the path to my dreams

I’m standing up, saying good-bye to what I knew
I’m standing up, trusting in myself to know the way
I’m standing up, believing that this time will be good
I’m standing up, knowing that someday I’ll make it

When Yes Is Still No

Let’s talk for a minute, because I don’t think this gets addressed often enough. There’s plenty of discussion nowadays about how to say no when someone wants to, without feeling guilty and needing to make up for it later. This is extremely important, and absolutely a topic that everyone should be discussing and encouraging. However, there’s another related topic that no one’s talking about, and I feel like it’s past time that we do.

Sometimes, people are in situations, for whatever reason, where they literally cannot leave and cannot force the other person to leave. It’s easy enough to tell people to say no, though I’ll admit it’s much more difficult to actually implement in practice. Still, learning to understand that sometimes no isn’t even an option is more important. People need to know that sometimes it’s not a matter of conviction, but that someone may be literally unable to leave for various reasons, including legal, financial, or physical.

Someone who is unable to leave, despite what they want, is not at fault for their situation. Someone who is can’t say no, despite wanting to, is still not saying yes. There is no true consent in a relationship unless someone can actually say no without repercussions. So while teaching people to say no is vital, and teaching people to accept when someone says no to them even more so, I believe that teaching people to not feel ashamed or guilty when they can’t say no is perhaps the more important lesson.

We need to let people know that they’re not a failure every time they don’t fight back when they can’t escape their current situation. Everyone needs to realize that some people truly can’t just change their current circumstances, can’t fight back, can’t escape, can’t say no, and these people are not in any way at fault for their situation. These people are still victims, and are not to be blamed.

By all means, teach people how to say no, how to stand up for themselves. This is necessary. Just also remember to teach people that, when someone says they don’t have that option, it’s not an opportunity to tell them how to be assertive. It’s not the time to debate with them about their situation.

Judging someone (especially when it’s disguised as well-meaning help or advice) for something they literally cannot change is not fair, and definitely not helpful, and people need to stop. Someone trapped in a situation where they can’t say no is already struggling every single day to survive. They don’t need condescension or guilt trips or a lecture when they already feel so much shame in themselves for never being able to say what they really want to.

It’s easy enough to tell people to just say no when no is an option, but maybe it’s time we tell people that it’s okay to say yes when there’s no other option available to them. It’s still not consent, merely survival when there’s no other way forward, and people shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed of themselves for this.

My Colors

Tonight I’m wearing black and blue
My special clothes just for you
Used to be my best colors were
Pink and purple, red and blue,
Black and green. Now it’s silver,
The only color you can’t beat me

What words does my skin say
Stamped as the property of you
I wish that I could wash it clean
But your marks go much too deep
Past the surface and into my soul
No way to cut that all out of me

My colors, they used to define me
Now it’s only you that uses them
Places them on me so tenderly
Adds a new one each time they fade
A damn kaleidoscope across my flesh
Twisting and turning to entertain you

A pretty little decoration that you’ve made
One color at a time applied just right
Blending into the others so easily
Like my body was just waiting for you
But the joke’s on you, I kept one color
To myself, my secret treasure jewel

I still see colors you can’t control
Parts of me not dyed by your love
One day I’ll stop being your canvas
Waiting for you to paint a picture
All down my back. The brushes will
Get thrown away in the damn trashcan

Until then, I’m your art, your prize
Your perfect picture of the sunrise
All soft colors that will brighten over time
As the heat sets in, yeah, and then you’ll
Step back and admire your many talents
Hang me on the wall and leave me to dry

Tonight I’m wearing black and blue
My special clothes just for you
Used to be my best colors were
Pink and purple, red and blue,
Black and green. Now it’s silver,
The only color you can’t beat me

A Thing or Two

When it’s cold outside
I lie awake and imagine
What you’re thinking about
Right this minute, as you’re
Curled up around someone
Else, safe and warm together

Regret a thing or two
I’m there and then I’m gone
Survive a thing or two
I can and then I can’t

It’s raining now, so I look
Through my boxes until I find
Your picture that I kept, listen
To the raindrops fall as my
Fingers gently trace the lines
Of your smile and your eyes

Regret a thing or two
I’m there and then I’m gone
Survive a thing or two
I can and then I can’t

Remember how close we
Used to be, how many times
We laughed and cried together
The two of us caught up in one
Another, but now you’ve left me
Wrapped around someone new

Regret a thing or two
I’m there and then I’m gone
Survive a thing or two
I can and then I can’t

Promise me one thing, that
If all of your dreams don’t
Work out that you’ll pick
Up the phone and call me
Let me hear your voice
one more time, to feel you near

Regret a thing or two
I’m there and then I’m gone
Survive a thing or two
I can and then I can’t

Regret a thing or two

I’m there and then I’m gone
Survive a thing or two
I can and then I can’t

Broken Web

a spun spider web
            lost in the dark
                        the threads all
                        ripped apart
            thrown away
time to try again
            now the string
                        keeps tangling
                        mixing up
            tears into pieces
fades into the past
            then was there
                        no point in
                        trying to spin
            a web after all
failure in the dark

I Wonder

Every time I walk out the door, I wonder where I’m heading
Every time I scream out loud, I wonder if anyone’s listening
Every time I cross that bridge, I wonder where the river flows
Every time I pack my things, I wonder where the time all goes

I wonder where it all goes, I wonder what they all say
I wonder what it feels like, I wonder why it’s all right
I wonder why everything is the way that it turns out
I wonder if this moment can last, forever and ever

Every time I whistle a tune, I wonder who else knows the song
Every time I look at the stars, I wonder what is really out there
Every time I swim in the ocean, I wonder how far down I can go
Every time I’m on the beach, I wonder whose footprints I follow

I wonder where it all goes, I wonder what they all say
I wonder what it feels like, I wonder why it’s all right
I wonder why everything is the way that it turns out
I wonder if this moment can last, forever and ever

Every time I dance in the rain, I wonder why it’s so much fun
Every time I taste something new, I wonder how big the world is
Every time I go for a run, I wonder how many breaths it takes
Every time I get out of bed, I wonder what this day will bring

I wonder where it all goes, I wonder what they all say
I wonder what it feels like, I wonder why it’s all right
I wonder why everything is the way that it turns out
I wonder if this moment can last, forever and ever

I wonder where it all goes, I wonder what they all say
I wonder what it feels like, I wonder why it’s all right
I wonder why everything is the way that it turns out
I wonder if this moment can last, forever and ever

Every time I fall asleep, I wonder what new sights I’ll see
Every time I meditate, I wonder if all the world is one
Every time I let out a laugh, I wonder why we’re all beautiful
Every time I forgive myself, I wonder at the grace of compassion

I wonder where it all goes, I wonder what they all say
I wonder what it feels like, I wonder why it’s all right
I wonder why everything is the way that it turns out
I wonder if this moment can last, forever and ever