Confession

The truth is that I was a coward.

I pretended that I didn’t hear the fights, 

didn’t see the bruises in the morning.
I was too afraid of being hurt myself,
and so when the screaming started I
threw the covers up over my head and
lay there shaking until all was quiet again.

I never spoke up. 
I didn’t try to help you. 
I was selfish, and much 
too worried about my own safety.

I’m sorry for that, and even sorrier 
that, if I could go back, I’d make 
those same decisions all over again.

But if this repeats in the future, 
I swear to you that I will not run. 
I will not hide. I will not close 
my eyes and hold my breath 
and wish and wish for it all to end.

I will open my mouth and say, “Stop. 
Don’t do this. Quit hurting this incredible 
person who I love so very much.”

I know this won’t make up for my past 
cowardice, that nothing ever really can 
or will. Still, I promise that if you need 
me from now on, I will be there for you.

4.4.2015

“The memory of something that can still break your heart long after it’s gone is priceless. Don’t ever lose it or push it away. This loss will tear you apart, but it will also teach you that love is eternal, and that you are capable of a love this deep, this special, and this true.” 

3.12.2015

“Time is fleeting because it constantly resets.”

Do You?

I’ll just stay here
for awhile, nestled deep within your arms.

You don’t mind, do you?

I hide my face
from the shadows that constantly surround me.

You don’t mind, do you?

When my smile is fake,
and I can’t bring myself to laugh at your jokes.

You don’t mind, do you?

The world seems grey,
and I call to cancel on you at the last minute.

You don’t mind, do you?

That I push you away,
only to cling close to you the next time we meet.

You don’t mind, do you?

You’ll never know
for sure, if my laughter is true or another façade.

You don’t mind, do you?

The times when you
comfort me, and I say it helps but I’m really lying.

You don’t mind, do you?

If you’re never enough
to save me from myself, and I stay broken forever.

You don’t mind, do you?

Do you?

Precious

To me, there are no gods. This is precious information. Humans should not have to compose stories of being created in order to feel special. We should instead exalt in our species, because we exist. We should be proud, for all of the bad, for all of the good, for our past defeats and our future accomplishments. Why do we need to invent deities both terrible and omnipotent? Are we that desperate for the answers to our existence? That answer is within every one of us, in what we each discover in our lives that makes them worth living. Where humanity comes from, and why we exist, is not a mystery to be solved. We should revel in the joys that we obtain throughout life, instead of feeling inadequate because they are not ideal. Nothing is wrong with imperfection. It’s the only way that we, as individuals, can really shine.

Someday

Maybe someday-

When I’ve got my life back
on track again, and I don’t
hear you around every corner, 
see your visage in every dream.

When my world lights up,
and I feel happy when I peer 
into the mirror, my determined 
eyes once again reflected within.

-I’ll get over you.

Liberty

It will be a few years before my skin is completely shed of your touch, but soon, soon, no part of me will feel you. I will be rid of you forever, of your touch and your taste and your smell.

Except, you will always live in a dark corner of my mind, won’t you? You will never stop whispering to me all of the lies that I believed. Always, always, I will hear your echo, and will never be free.