Laugh with me, cry with me, and know me, for better and worse.
---------------
The fourth volume of my poetry is edited and collected together here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07WP8D453.
8.24.2019
In This Place - Volume 4
What is the price of knowledge? What do we pay for a glimpse into someone's heart?
Laugh with me, cry with me, and know me, for better and worse.
---------------
Laugh with me, cry with me, and know me, for better and worse.
---------------
8.22.2019
Up Again
Up, up, up, up
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
Yesterday, you slammed out of my life
Just left me there, staring at the ground
Wondering how long you’ve been thinking
About leaving me and everything behind
Just left me there, staring at the ground
Wondering how long you’ve been thinking
About leaving me and everything behind
Up, up, up, up
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
We used to laugh and play, love and say
This is the best time of our lives, right now
When did that change for you, the feeling of us
Becoming something you don’t want anymore
This is the best time of our lives, right now
When did that change for you, the feeling of us
Becoming something you don’t want anymore
Up, up, up, up
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
There’s a balloon in the corner that says we’re
blessed, slowly, slowly sinking to the ground now
All I can see is the life we’ve been living falling
Into nothing so easily now, so damn easily now
blessed, slowly, slowly sinking to the ground now
All I can see is the life we’ve been living falling
Into nothing so easily now, so damn easily now
Up, up, up, up
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
Did we ever have anything real at all, tell me
How did this all come to be, when we were so happy
Just yesterday, it seems, wrapped up in each other
Planning a life together, what happened to all of this
How did this all come to be, when we were so happy
Just yesterday, it seems, wrapped up in each other
Planning a life together, what happened to all of this
Up, up, up, up
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
Up, up, up, up
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
Once again, once again
Around, around, around, around
Merry-go-round, once again
Killing Hope
A life of contentment
Would be so easy to achieve
Would be so easy to achieve
Why do I struggle and make
Myself so miserable while
Searching for happiness
When I could be content instead?
Myself so miserable while
Searching for happiness
When I could be content instead?
Is happiness so important that I must
Risk myself so often for the chance to
Love what I do for a living?
Risk myself so often for the chance to
Love what I do for a living?
Wouldn’t it be better to just give
Up? Do something I hate for the security
Of stability? Why do I have to keep
Holding out hope for something more?
Up? Do something I hate for the security
Of stability? Why do I have to keep
Holding out hope for something more?
This feeling is killing me slowly
shift
When I think I’ve done it right
Finally, finally done something right
Everything blows up in my face
And I realize
I realize
I’ve never had anything in my life
Finally, finally done something right
Everything blows up in my face
And I realize
I realize
I’ve never had anything in my life
I sit and stare at the ashes in my hands
What could I have done different;y?
How could I have held on tighter to this
Dream that I thought was working out?
What could I have done different;y?
How could I have held on tighter to this
Dream that I thought was working out?
When I think I’ve done it right
Finally, finally done something right
Everything blows up in my face
And I realize
I realize
I’ve never had anything in my life
Finally, finally done something right
Everything blows up in my face
And I realize
I realize
I’ve never had anything in my life
Tired of getting back up again, who isn’t?
Want something more secure, but don’t
Know how to pull myself up onto a platform
That leads anywhere but down, down, down
Want something more secure, but don’t
Know how to pull myself up onto a platform
That leads anywhere but down, down, down
When I think I’ve done it right
Finally, finally done something right
Everything blows up in my face
And I realize
I realize
I’ve never had anything in my life
Finally, finally done something right
Everything blows up in my face
And I realize
I realize
I’ve never had anything in my life
Why does nothing turn out right anymore?
Ha, as if anything has ever been good
I’ve forgotten what it feels like when
Something’s going well in my mess of a life
Ha, as if anything has ever been good
I’ve forgotten what it feels like when
Something’s going well in my mess of a life
When I think I’ve done it right
Finally, finally done something right
Everything blows up in my face
And I realize
I realize
I’ve never had anything in my life
Finally, finally done something right
Everything blows up in my face
And I realize
I realize
I’ve never had anything in my life
I know I can’t quit, but I don’t know how to move
Nothing ever works, so I have to change somehow
Have to hold my life in a kaleidoscope and twist
Around and around, until the picture shifts once again
Nothing ever works, so I have to change somehow
Have to hold my life in a kaleidoscope and twist
Around and around, until the picture shifts once again
When I think I’ve done it right
Finally, finally done something right
Everything blows up in my face
And I realize
I realize
I’ve never had anything in my life
Finally, finally done something right
Everything blows up in my face
And I realize
I realize
I’ve never had anything in my life
Misery
Is misery shared truly misery halved?
All I feel when someone I care about seems unhappy
Is unhappiness myself, a sense of hurt even deeper than my own
And yet, I also feel myself lifting up, pulling out
Of the sadness of my own life
And focusing on someone else’s
To help them as much as I can
Is unhappiness myself, a sense of hurt even deeper than my own
And yet, I also feel myself lifting up, pulling out
Of the sadness of my own life
And focusing on someone else’s
To help them as much as I can
Is that helpful for me? For them?
Both of us? Neither?
I don’t know, but I what I do know is that
My own misery is still there inside of me
Waiting to overwhelm me once again
Both of us? Neither?
I don’t know, but I what I do know is that
My own misery is still there inside of me
Waiting to overwhelm me once again
As much of a distraction as someone else’s
Misery can be, my own is always still there
Misery can be, my own is always still there
Inside of me
7.12.2019
When I Was Gone
Jamie Renton, college sophomore, doesn’t really think much at the time about her roommate, Lexie, not returning her text.
Even though they’re roommates, they’re not really all that close. Jamie doesn’t think that Lexie is the type to get close to anybody, actually. It’s a shame, but Lexie focuses on her classes and stays in their room, and doesn’t really try to connect with anyone at all.
Jamie is surprised that Lexie sends her any texts during spring break in the first place. She’s out with some friends from high school when she receives the short message on her phone.
When are you coming back?
Seeing perfect grammar in a text is so unusual that Jamie stares at the message in confusion for several seconds. Or maybe that’s just from the unexpectedness of Lexie establishing communication with Jamie first, instead of the other way around.
Either way, Jamie sends back that she’ll be gone until the following weekend, and is there something Lexie wants?
No reply. Jamie shrugs off her questions for the remainder of the break, certain that she’ll find out her answers when she gets back to school
The very last thing that Jamie expects when she arrives is to not be allowed back into her room. She tries the key, but the lock is different. Did something happen to their door? Why did Lexie have the locks changed?
Jamie isn’t sure where to go or what to do next, but then something crunches under her shoe. She looks down, and there’s a folded piece of paper on the floor in front of their door. Jamie lets go of her suitcase, picks up the paper, and reads the message.
It’s from the guidance office, asking her to report to them as soon as possible. Now, Jamie’s concerned. What is going on? She looks around, but of course there’s no one else in the hallway, and no clues for her to find except for a door with new locks on it and a key in her hand that no longer works.
Jamie knocks on the door. “Lexie?” she calls out. “You in there?”
There’s no sound. Jamie really doesn’t want to carry her suitcase back to her car, but she can’t leave it in the hallway, so she turns around with a sigh. She puts her suitcase and backpack in her car, and then walks over to the administration offices. That building isn’t so far from her dorm, only half a block, and it’s quicker to walk than to drive the distance.
The whole way there, Jamie wonders what could be wrong. She knows now that there is something wrong, just not what.
When she arrives at the guidance office, Jamie knocks on the door and walks inside awkwardly. She holds out the piece of paper like it’s a test she’s handing back to a professor. “My room’s locked,” she says, which probably isn’t something the guidance office deals with anyway, but it’s Jamie’s biggest problem at the moment.
The guidance counselor looks… sad, and deeply tired, like he didn’t take advantage of the break in order to catch up on sleep at all. “Why don’t you sit down, Ms. Renton?” he says, in that way that isn’t really a question. Jamie frowns and sits, and feels even more anxious than before.
“What’s going on?” she asks, if only to get the conversation moving again. The guidance counselor looks like he could sit there and stare at his hands for hours, and Jamie wants to be allowed back into her room sometime today. Maybe she needs to call campus security about the lock?
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this,” he says, though he doesn’t sound sorry, “but your roommate, Ms. Fletcher, took her own life on Thursday.”
---------------------------------------------
Jamie comes back from college break, and everything's changed. Her roommate, Lexie, committed suicide while Jamie was away, and now she has so many questions. Why did Lexie kill herself? Why didn't she tell Jamie what was going on? What does Jamie do now?
Jamie doesn't know what to think or how to feel. After all, she and Lexie weren't really all that close. Still, Jamie feels guilty for being gone while this happened.
Unanswerable questions are the hardest part of learning to let someone go.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Want to read the rest of the story? Buy it here on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07V5WW8XR.
Even though they’re roommates, they’re not really all that close. Jamie doesn’t think that Lexie is the type to get close to anybody, actually. It’s a shame, but Lexie focuses on her classes and stays in their room, and doesn’t really try to connect with anyone at all.
Jamie is surprised that Lexie sends her any texts during spring break in the first place. She’s out with some friends from high school when she receives the short message on her phone.
When are you coming back?
Seeing perfect grammar in a text is so unusual that Jamie stares at the message in confusion for several seconds. Or maybe that’s just from the unexpectedness of Lexie establishing communication with Jamie first, instead of the other way around.
Either way, Jamie sends back that she’ll be gone until the following weekend, and is there something Lexie wants?
No reply. Jamie shrugs off her questions for the remainder of the break, certain that she’ll find out her answers when she gets back to school
The very last thing that Jamie expects when she arrives is to not be allowed back into her room. She tries the key, but the lock is different. Did something happen to their door? Why did Lexie have the locks changed?
Jamie isn’t sure where to go or what to do next, but then something crunches under her shoe. She looks down, and there’s a folded piece of paper on the floor in front of their door. Jamie lets go of her suitcase, picks up the paper, and reads the message.
It’s from the guidance office, asking her to report to them as soon as possible. Now, Jamie’s concerned. What is going on? She looks around, but of course there’s no one else in the hallway, and no clues for her to find except for a door with new locks on it and a key in her hand that no longer works.
Jamie knocks on the door. “Lexie?” she calls out. “You in there?”
There’s no sound. Jamie really doesn’t want to carry her suitcase back to her car, but she can’t leave it in the hallway, so she turns around with a sigh. She puts her suitcase and backpack in her car, and then walks over to the administration offices. That building isn’t so far from her dorm, only half a block, and it’s quicker to walk than to drive the distance.
The whole way there, Jamie wonders what could be wrong. She knows now that there is something wrong, just not what.
When she arrives at the guidance office, Jamie knocks on the door and walks inside awkwardly. She holds out the piece of paper like it’s a test she’s handing back to a professor. “My room’s locked,” she says, which probably isn’t something the guidance office deals with anyway, but it’s Jamie’s biggest problem at the moment.
The guidance counselor looks… sad, and deeply tired, like he didn’t take advantage of the break in order to catch up on sleep at all. “Why don’t you sit down, Ms. Renton?” he says, in that way that isn’t really a question. Jamie frowns and sits, and feels even more anxious than before.
“What’s going on?” she asks, if only to get the conversation moving again. The guidance counselor looks like he could sit there and stare at his hands for hours, and Jamie wants to be allowed back into her room sometime today. Maybe she needs to call campus security about the lock?
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this,” he says, though he doesn’t sound sorry, “but your roommate, Ms. Fletcher, took her own life on Thursday.”
---------------------------------------------
Jamie comes back from college break, and everything's changed. Her roommate, Lexie, committed suicide while Jamie was away, and now she has so many questions. Why did Lexie kill herself? Why didn't she tell Jamie what was going on? What does Jamie do now?
Jamie doesn't know what to think or how to feel. After all, she and Lexie weren't really all that close. Still, Jamie feels guilty for being gone while this happened.
Unanswerable questions are the hardest part of learning to let someone go.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Want to read the rest of the story? Buy it here on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07V5WW8XR.
7.07.2019
Silence
I’m rotting here
Crying
Screaming out
But there’s no sound
Crying
Screaming out
But there’s no sound
Can’t do this anymore
Thought that I could, but
My arms won’t move
I can’t stand up now
Thought that I could, but
My arms won’t move
I can’t stand up now
I’m rotting here
Crying
Screaming out
But there’s no sound
Crying
Screaming out
But there’s no sound
Can’t hear myself when I scream
Pieces falling off of me
My feet walk, but I can’t see
There’s nothing left inside of me
Pieces falling off of me
My feet walk, but I can’t see
There’s nothing left inside of me
I’m rotting here
Crying
Screaming out
But there’s no sound
Crying
Screaming out
But there’s no sound
No one sees me standing here
Unable to move and unable to breathe
Just watch me fall to the ground
Don’t ask if I need any help
Unable to move and unable to breathe
Just watch me fall to the ground
Don’t ask if I need any help
I’m rotting here
Crying
Screaming out
But there’s no sound
Crying
Screaming out
But there’s no sound
No wind, no water, no ground
Nothing under to hold me up
Why bother trying to get out of
Here, when there’s nowhere to run to?
Nothing under to hold me up
Why bother trying to get out of
Here, when there’s nowhere to run to?
I’m rotting here
Crying
Screaming out
But there’s no sound
There’s no sound anymore
Crying
Screaming out
But there’s no sound
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