The Bridge to Felicity

Go away:
            The toothpaste and little hairs left in the sink.
            The toilet not flushed and seat still up.
            The mouthwash put back in the wrong place.

Go away:
            The dirty clothes strewn all over the floor.
            The dishes that pile up unheeded.
            The bed never made the right way.

Go away:
            The habits that bother me.
            The noises that annoy me.
            The ideas that irritate me.

Go away:
            To be free.
            You stayed.
            I left.

Atlas on Her Knees

Often, I consider how I’ll pass my first night when I finally get my own place. I will close all of the curtains, turn on all of the lights, and then I will curl into a ball and cry while I review every pain from the last decade or so that I’ve kept locked down deep inside and haven’t let myself feel for fear that I will completely shatter past the point of recovery. To me, gaining a home means being safe enough to finally feel free to have that breakdown you’ve been scheduled to have pretty much your whole life.

But that time isn’t now. In the present, it’s all about breathing out one heartbeat, and then the next, an endless repetition in order to continue a cycle of surviving in hopes of reaching that elusive tomorrow.

Sometimes, though, I’m so fucking tired of waiting for ‘someday.’ I want that day to be here already. It’s so exhausting, having to hold myself together every second, knowing that if I relax my grip for even a moment I’ll snap, and then a future really won’t ever come.

It’s hard to always ignore the little voice in my head telling me that maybe I just don’t deserve to have a future.

Can I at least just have five minutes to completely freak out without the momentary lapse resulting in lasting consequences that I can’t afford right now?

A Single Seed

A single seed.

So easy to crush
one would think.

A fragile thing
easy to kill
watch it wither
fade and die.

And yet, it takes
so very little
for hope to survive.

Just one slight hint
of a breeze
and hope never
truly dies.

Even if it remains
dormant
for a lifetime.

3.17.2014

“In battle, if even one life is lost, there can be no victory. In battle, there is only defeat."

They Tell Us

They tell us to know our limitations in order to stretch beyond them, because only then can we succeed.

But it is also the only way we can fail.

We stretch beyond what we can accomplish, and tear and crack into pieces. This process, whether it ends in triumph or defeat, is always painful beyond our previous imaginations. Still, we tell ourselves that this is a necessary pain. Is that really true?

Is the sum of our lives the height of pain that we reach, the pinnacle that we are able to achieve before shouting out ‘No more!’? I’d like to believe that there is more, that human beings are meant to suffer and endure for only so much a portion of their lives.

I want to believe that eventually there is peace to be found, if one is lucky. And if not peace, then at least some form of contentment.

Yes, that must be a worthy goal for one’s life: simple contentment.

3.6.2014

“Extend a hand to me. Not to hurt, but to help. Extend it in greeting, and not to strike a blow. Because in a moment you see me and care, not because you feel pity and believe you are better. Something deep inside of you calls out in recognition and you gladly surrender to the sensation. You do not resent this feeling because it causes obligations. You do not reach to lessen a guilty conscience. No, reach out to me because you want to learn the depths of my soul, one laugh at a time.”

For Me

Every day
I feel the aching distance between us
Every day
You push me away but tell me you love me
Every day
You feed the growing space around me
Every day

Long ago

You took my hand and whispered a future
Long ago
Time was meaningless with you near me
Long ago
No fears were present, our future was clear
Long ago

Never again

Sunrise kisses and nights spent so slowly
Never again
Curled up on cold nights, hearts beating gently
Never again
A breath of warm laughter from those soft lips
Never again

Say you miss me

That I was all you ever thought worth keeping
Say you miss me
The years spent apart killing you, oh so gently
Say you miss me
That any other’s touch leaves you numb inside
Say you miss me

Tell me you love me

Tickle my ear and scream it in defeat
Tell me you love me
While holding my hands and down on your knees
Tell me you love me
Like every time’s the first spoken, the most important
Tell me you love me

Let me go

So maybe one day my breath won’t cut so deeply
Let me go
And making breakfast for one won’t taste like defeat
Let me go
To some distant lover whose life I can complete
Let me go