Enough

It’s finally enough
Just too much anymore
Can’t deal with this
Shouldn’t have to

I’m done (Enough)

I’m sick of trying

I’m done (Enough)

It’s not worth it

Why didn’t I stop

Trying so hard for this
When I knew it would

Not last very long

I’m done (Enough)

I’m sick of trying

I’m done (Enough)

It’s not worth it

Too much was said

For me to ever forgive

I don’t even want to

Wake again tomorrow

I’m done (Enough)

I’m sick of trying

I’m done (Enough)

It’s not worth it

Bleed and cry but

Nothing ever changes

No effort of mine

Makes things better

I’m done (Enough)

I’m sick of trying

I’m done (Enough)

It’s not worth it

I refuse to feel guilty

Over letting you go

Sometimes giving up

Is the only way forward

I’m done (Enough)

I’m sick of trying

I’m done (Enough)

It’s not worth it

In the Dark - Part 9

That night, I dream. And in my dream, I see my kin. They are gathered around me as I carve into the hide of a monster, spilling its life’s blood onto the ground. Their eyes are solemn, and they don’t say a word, merely watch in judgment.


When I wake up, I feel empty. I don't know whether they would approve of me now or not. Would they, if they were still alive? I suppose it doesn’t matter. After all, if they were still here, I would have no reason to hunt the monsters.


Lying in the dark, I remember the feel of blood running down my arms, of my joy at ending that monster’s existence. I still feel a burning vindication deep in my chest, even while I know the others are still lamenting their lost friend. I don’t know whether I should join them or not. I doubt it. After all, I didn’t really know him. Instead, I leave them to their private mourning. There’s no reason for me to interfere.

---------------------------------------

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Betrayal

Honest, so very cold and clear

Ice in my skull

Icicles clinging to my soul

Creation

So detailed, so soft

So fragile to the touch

Something to treasure

To hold onto forever

What a precious gift

Shared between us

This night all silent

Calm with suspense

Waiting for the moment

The beginning a gentle

Awakening, reach out

To hold close and shelter

Spin slowly into new shapes

Mold into something truly

Surprising and sturdy

Strong enough to last

But I'm Fine

What to do when nothing goes right
What to do when nothing’s enough

When it’s too hard to try anymore
When all I want is to lie down forever

It’s just too much

All too damn much

Getting nowhere at all

Sick of even trying

Sick of getting up

Of hurting all the time

Knowing it will all fail

No matter what I try

What to do when nothing goes right

What to do when nothing’s enough

When it’s too hard to try anymore
When all I want is to lie down forever

Too hard to hold on

Tough to stay awake

Instead of sleeping forever

And forgetting everything

Just too tired anymore

It’s not worth pushing

When nothing ever works

And I fall again and again

What to do when nothing goes right

What to do when nothing’s enough

When it’s too hard to try anymore
When all I want is to lie down forever

Damn this feeling I can’t

Get rid of, can’t make

Myself care anymore

No longer really feel alive

What to do when nothing goes right

What to do when nothing’s enough

When it’s too hard to try anymore
When all I want is to lie down forever

Treasure

Hold close, don’t let go
Cherish your loved ones

Be kind just because
Not out of personal gain

Take the time to help

Speak with new people
Deepen every day
With something new

Teach generosity by doing good

Deeds and setting an example

Instead of lecturing values or

Demanding without giving first

Most of all, love yourself

Know that you are precious

Believe that your own worth

Should never be taken for granted

11.22.2016

"The worst darkness is the one you can see coming from a long ways off, and all you can do is watch helplessly as the shadow of Death reaches out and steadily grows longer, until one day it finally passes over you."

In the Dark - Part 8

The hunting group doesn’t go out again right away. I can agree with the sense in this, even though I don’t like it. I want to hunt the monsters again, maybe even to kill one with my own hands this time. But there are members of their clan injured from the last one, and hunting with less than their full available force is nothing less than folly.


So, impatiently but understanding, I wait. In the meanwhile, I learn part of the Elder’s history. She speaks of large settlements I can barely even imagine, filled with more people than I’ve seen in my lifetime. Even a Gathering would not host as many, she says.


No more, of course. Whatever the reason why, once the monsters came, that was the end of large communities gathered together. No need to give the monsters a buffet if they do manage to come across humans. Now, we stick to smaller clans, living in the few safe places left to us.

-----------------------------

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The Light in the Window

We search out the safe places
We look for the lights

Somewhere to sit down and rest

To tell ourselves that we can stay

That the night will not intrude

The rain will not fall down on us

We will be sheltered and persevere

Together, watching over one another

Our saddest moments shared, and so halved

Hearth and home is the feeling of safety

Knowledge that even the worst will pass

This security is necessary and priceless

Unsaid

Such a soft touch
Can hurt so bad
(So good)
Burn me as it goes

Something gentle
Can be the worst
(The best)
Feeling so foreign

Harsh words
Are so easily ignored
(Never forgotten)
Commonplace

Small gestures
Are a constant joy
(Unsettling)
Little surprises

Honest praise
Is always expected
(Not once)
Looked for

Attention on me

I can miss seeing
(Steals my breath)
No matter the reason

In the Dark - Part 7

The monsters are ferocious. They’re terrifying.

Apparently, though, they really aren’t immortal. It takes four members of this clan that I’ve stumbled onto all working together, and our group is not without injuries, but one of them does actually manage to kill a monster.

I almost can’t believe it, even with its corpse slowly growing cold in front of me. The other monsters have gone berserk, screaming defiantly at our backs as we retreat. They don’t follow us, though. I have no doubt that the survivors are bent over their fallen brethren, and are feasting on its flesh and meat.

-----------------------------------

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Immortality

Peel off the skin
and underneath
is nothing but red
Wash off the bones
And play a tune
Go dancing in the dark

No warmth left
Just rattling corpse
Walking upright
The wind so cold
Why not take
Someone else’s

Tear off their flesh

And drape your shoulders
Wear it as a robe
Long and draping
Decaying around you
and then you’re Death

Carry Me

Would anyone really notice 

if I walked out the door and never came back
Would anyone ever wonder
where I was if I never showed up again

There’s a part of me that knows
that if I left I’d never really be missed
I could disappear today and no one
would worry if I didn’t call them again

So why don’t I just lie down
and sleep and never wake back up
Why don’t I stop trying and just admit defeat
If no one else is going to care
why do I have to
Why am I the one
that’s so easily forgotten

If I never called and never wrote
would anyone remember my name
When I walk through a crowd
does anyone notice me passing by

I’m never anything but a burden
on everyone I’ve ever known
So why would they care if I packed
my things and left them alone

Why don’t I just lie down
and sleep and never wake back up
Why don’t I stop trying and just admit defeat
If no one else is going to care
why do I have to
Why am I the one
that’s so easily forgotten

I’d be cold living on the streets
and begging for food is hard
It hurts not to have a place to relax
to never trust anyone again

But wouldn’t the pain be worth it
if I wasn’t bothering anyone anymore
Being all alone isn’t so hard
when at least you’re not a disappointment

Why don’t I just lie down
and sleep and never wake back up
Why don’t I stop trying and just admit defeat
If no one else is going to care
why do I have to
Why am I the one
that’s so easily forgotten

So maybe I should just disappear
one night after everyone else is asleep
Not leave a note promising to keep in touch
no ties or obligations

Would it be for me or for everyone else 

if I just started walking and didn’t look back
Maybe I’d finally figure out
who I am with no one else to rely on
to carry me

Breaking

Scraping the bottom of the barrel
running dry
Not sure where to go from here

The past sticks to me like melted sugar
dissolving
On the back of my tongue to suffocate

Never know what it’s like anymore
feeling happy
Being eager to wake up and not tired

The cracks are showing and the glue
won’t hold
The pieces fast together anymore

So sick there’s now a constant fever
stumbling around
Thoughts falling apart as soon as they form

There’s nothing left and no reason to try

falling down
Nothing else to push for anymore

Desire

I’m tired lately
and the razors are now starting
to look friendly.

There’s a reason
why sometimes I don’t shave
for over a year.

Cut my nails
so that I don’t leave gouges when I
scratch my skin.

Hide the knives
in the bottom drawer with the lock
and lose the key.

What pulls at me
isn’t the immense urge to hurt myself
or enjoy the pain.

It’s the desire
to forever brand my flesh with the words
in my head.

I resist every day

but the compulsion to ruin myself
never fades.

In the Dark - Part 6

Nighttime falls. Only, instead of continuing to hide, now the darkness means that it’s time for us to venture outside. The first time I join in a hunt, I can barely hear anything over my heartbeat pounding in my ears. I feel so nauseous that I doubt I’ll be of any help even if we do come across some monsters.

The ground trembles, and I have to stop myself from flinching at every small noise. Every shadow outside of our circle of torches jumps and leaps across the trees, and every movement causes my heart to stop for just a second, sure that it’s one of the monsters about to devour me.

The others are quiet, moving carefully through the night. They’re obviously practiced at this, and they seem to be following some path visible only to them. I want to ask where we’re going, but I can’t make myself speak out loud. I’m afraid of drawing attention to us.

---------------------------

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9.18.2016

"Stupid men can often do great things, while a genius among men can occasionally be proportionally unintelligent. So, how to tell these two men apart? Ask them which one of these two categories they belong to, of course. The genius will invariably call himself a fool, while the truly stupid man will most likely refer to himself as a genius."

The Choice

Fall so hard you hit the ground
Time to start running around
‘Cause it’s one more thing to try
No matter how hard you cry

You have two choices when
Something doesn’t work out
To never recover from the pain
Or to start over once again

Fall so hard you hit the ground
Time to start running around
‘Cause it’s one more thing to try
No matter how hard you cry

So ask yourself what it is you want
Hide away from the world forever
Pull the covers up over your head
Never experience anything new

Or fight with all your strength
Take a stand and breathe deep
Work for your second chance
Pull yourself forward bit by bit

Fall so hard you hit the ground
Time to start running around
‘Cause it’s one more thing to try
No matter how hard you cry

In the end, the choice is up to you
No one else can make this decision
Or walk your chosen path for you
So pick the one you’ll stick with

Fall so hard you hit the ground

Time to start running around
‘Cause it’s one more thing to try
No matter how hard you cry

Do You Regret?

Do you remember
All those times you held my hand?
Do you remember
Sharing all those moments together?
Do you remember

Do you regret
When we started to fall apart?
Do you regret
How both knew it was over?
Do you regret

Please, be honest with me
Do you regret remembering us?
Do you regret all those years?
Do you regret you and me?

Do you remember
Fighting everyone who ever hurt me?
Do you remember
Always being on my side of things?
Do you remember

Do you regret
When we started to stop caring?
Do you regret
How we didn’t talk about it?
Do you regret

Please, be honest with me
Do you regret remembering us?
Do you regret all those years?
Do you regret you and me?

Please, be honest with me
Do you regret remembering us?
Do you regret all those years?
Do you regret you and me?

Do you remember
How we laughed and cried together?
Do you remember
Thinking we’d never end up apart?

Do you regret
All those ugly words we said at the end?
Do you regret
That we both just let it happen?

Please, be honest with me

Do you regret remembering us?
Do you regret all those years?
Do you regret you and me?

That's Alright

Sometimes I can’t do it
Can’t push myself again
I fall down, can’t get up
Hang my head in defeat

That’s alright, to be sore
That’s alright, to be tired
There’s nothing to say
You can stop sometimes

It’s fine, to throw a tantrum
When nothing works out
To shout and cry and
Scream and be emotional

That’s alright, to be sore
That’s alright, to be tired
There’s nothing to say
You can stop sometimes

Ignore the doubts and
Acknowledge the fears
Let yourself rest sometimes
You can come back again

That’s alright, to be sore
That’s alright, to be tired
There’s nothing to say
You can stop sometimes

Even if it takes a while
And you feel impatient
Still dragging your feet
Take your time to recover

That’s alright, to be sore
That’s alright, to be tired
There’s nothing to say
You can stop sometimes

That’s alright, to be sore

That’s alright, to be tired
There’s nothing to say
You can stop sometimes

Each New Try

Hard to resist
Throwing myself
Headlong into this
Not easy to pull away

Each new idea
Gives me hope
Each new try
Might work out

Have to hold
Out for the win
Catch my breath
And jump high

Each new idea
Gives me hope
Each new try
Might work out

And if it fails
I can cry all day
Try again tomorrow
Over and over

Each new idea
Gives me hope
Each new try
Might work out

I’m lifted up
Each time I
See a new way
And I wouldn’t

Trade that feeling
For anything
In the whole world
It’s my freedom

Each new idea

Gives me hope
Each new try
Might work out

In the Dark - Part 5

After the Elder greets me, I am accepted by the rest. It feels a little like coming home, but mostly as though I am in a strange dream. Everything is similar, but slightly unfamiliar at the same time.  Still, I am somewhere away from the monsters, and for that, I am very grateful.

They gather around, asking to hear my story. I am ashamed to admit my own cowardice during the recollection, but none of them blame me for my actions, and it is a balm on my conscience.

Something does confuse me, though, and I have to address it later, after they have shared food and drink with me.

“I must ask, where are the others of your clan?”

-------------------------------------

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Shards of Nothing

What’s left to treasure
to hold close to my chest
when everything’s gone

What do I do now
when there’s nothing left
inside anymore

I’m empty, waiting
to be filled back up again
I don’t know what to do
with all this empty space

I’m shattered and broken
the years have turned to ash
There’s nothing and no one
to help me out of this mess

Like a vase that’s been
emptied, flowers tossed aside
A car that’s out of gas
running off the side of the road

The picture frame
is empty of glass
the broken, shattered

Pieces in the trash
and there’s nothing to
put in its place anymore

I’m empty, waiting
to be filled back up again
I don’t know what to do
with all this empty space

I’m shattered and broken
the years have turned to ash
There’s nothing and no one
to help me out of this mess

I guess I’m going to have

to breathe and take my
chances by starting over

One more time, though it’s
never worked for me before
But maybe now that

I’m just a little wiser
I’ll figure it out somehow
Trust myself a bit more

So Walk Through

The rings are glowing
Such pretty lights to follow
Beckoning to me

This Is Now

This is the last one

The last song for you
This is the last time
I write about you

This is now, and I’m over you
I’m finally going to be free
This is now, and I’m past it all
And I’m never going back again

This is the final good-bye
The only way to make
You go away for good
To leave me alone forever

This is now, and I’m over you
I’m finally going to be free
This is now, and I’m past it all
And I’m never going back again

I’m never writing another
Verse with your name on it
You’re going to go far away
And never come back anymore

This is now, and I’m over you
I’m finally going to be free
This is now, and I’m past it all
And I’m never going back again

And it feels so great to
Let you go and not care
Anymore what you say or
Think of who I’ve become

Maybe I should be sad
Maybe I am just a little bit
But more than that, I’m so
Relieved to be myself again

This is now, and I’m over you

I’m finally going to be free
This is now, and I’m past it all
And I’m never going back again

This is now, and I’m over you

I’m finally going to be free
This is now, and I’m past it all
And I’m never going back again

Liar

When I wake up
I ignore the sound
The scratching on the walls
The whispers in my ear
I don’t pay any attention to
The writing appearing before me
Or to the blood in the water
The smell of pain and fear is all
Around, but I pretend it’s roses
Nothing here to see smell hear touch
I close my eyes and ignore everything
Until I can’t sense them at all anymore

But I know

They’re all still there
I hold my breath and nothing moves
Yet I’m never alone
I can shut out the truth but it’s always there
On the tip of my tongue, waiting
Pretending nothing’s wrong, I walk away
Always aching to look behind me, but
Never daring to turn around and face it
There’s nothing so echoing as the sound
Of emptiness that I know is
Brimming with despair

In the Dark - Part 4

It’s dark out.

For a moment, I forget to be afraid. Then I feel something brush against my face and I sit up, horrified and not yet ready to endure what I know are going to be my last seconds alive.

Instead of a monster facing me, there’s a woman sitting by my side. I almost don’t believe it can be possible, but she’s really there. Someone I’ve never seen before. This is the first time I’ve ever met someone new. I want to speak, to ask her a hundred questions at once, but suddenly her hand is on my mouth, silencing me.

Then I remember that there could still be monsters nearby. I try to stay calm, but I’m panting in fear already. I look around, wondering how we can possibly be safe out here in the open where I collapsed during the day.

-----------------------------------------

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