When Yes Is Still No

Let’s talk for a minute, because I don’t think this gets addressed often enough. There’s plenty of discussion nowadays about how to say no when someone wants to, without feeling guilty and needing to make up for it later. This is extremely important, and absolutely a topic that everyone should be discussing and encouraging. However, there’s another related topic that no one’s talking about, and I feel like it’s past time that we do.

Sometimes, people are in situations, for whatever reason, where they literally cannot leave and cannot force the other person to leave. It’s easy enough to tell people to say no, though I’ll admit it’s much more difficult to actually implement in practice. Still, learning to understand that sometimes no isn’t even an option is more important. People need to know that sometimes it’s not a matter of conviction, but that someone may be literally unable to leave for various reasons, including legal, financial, or physical.

Someone who is unable to leave, despite what they want, is not at fault for their situation. Someone who is can’t say no, despite wanting to, is still not saying yes. There is no true consent in a relationship unless someone can actually say no without repercussions. So while teaching people to say no is vital, and teaching people to accept when someone says no to them even more so, I believe that teaching people to not feel ashamed or guilty when they can’t say no is perhaps the more important lesson.

We need to let people know that they’re not a failure every time they don’t fight back when they can’t escape their current situation. Everyone needs to realize that some people truly can’t just change their current circumstances, can’t fight back, can’t escape, can’t say no, and these people are not in any way at fault for their situation. These people are still victims, and are not to be blamed.

By all means, teach people how to say no, how to stand up for themselves. This is necessary. Just also remember to teach people that, when someone says they don’t have that option, it’s not an opportunity to tell them how to be assertive. It’s not the time to debate with them about their situation.

Judging someone (especially when it’s disguised as well-meaning help or advice) for something they literally cannot change is not fair, and definitely not helpful, and people need to stop. Someone trapped in a situation where they can’t say no is already struggling every single day to survive. They don’t need condescension or guilt trips or a lecture when they already feel so much shame in themselves for never being able to say what they really want to.

It’s easy enough to tell people to just say no when no is an option, but maybe it’s time we tell people that it’s okay to say yes when there’s no other option available to them. It’s still not consent, merely survival when there’s no other way forward, and people shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed of themselves for this.