New Skies

I am rough, broken down into the smallest parts and pieces of me, but I am free.

It’s just the bus, I tell myself, but I’m still anxious. It’s something else new, something that I’ve never done before, and so I wait with strangers and slowly climb the steps when the bus arrives. I don’t know how much the bus will cost. I don’t know if they accept credit cards or if they can handle change or what.

I ask. I purposely wait until I’m the last person to get on the bus, and then I lean down awkwardly and ask a few quiet questions. The driver doesn’t sound mad or scornful, but I still can’t help feeling like I’m being a huge imposition on him. The people around me don’t look mad, but I still feel their eyes on me, watching me as I try to find a seat without anyone else nearby. No such luck, of course.

I sit next to someone who looks near to my age and stare straight ahead. Everything’s fine. I just have to make it through this bus ride. It’ll be okay.

I can’t relax. Even knowing that my stop isn’t coming up right away, I can’t stop worrying about missing it. I can’t do anything but sit as still and quiet as possible, though. I really hope that no one talks to me.

This is fine, I remind myself. People take the bus all of the time. This is something that I’ll get used to.

Maybe I should learn how to ride a bike. Or drive a car.

There’s no one here to teach me, and I don’t have the money to buy a car, anyway. A bike should be doable, maybe. I could find a cheap one and learn on my own. It can’t be too hard. Maybe I could walk to my new job instead. That would take a lot longer, though.

For every day, that seems like a lot. That’s why I’m sitting on this bus and concentrating on not having a panic attack.

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What's the value of a life? What is worth living for? What is most important in life? In freedom?

A close and raw look at someone picking up the pieces of their life and--hopefully, slowly--putting them back together once again.

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